presence

by vivek

as i move from home to home, the warmth does not change
… she is always waiting for me to return .. all the while knowing how much i would have missed her ..
.. the one person who used to replace my mother for the moments i spent with her and i never felt out of place … the same moments even my mother knew she was next to her and not on par with her..

as summer came in and the break from school started .. i would rush back home just to meet with her… each moment i spent with her is a distant dream that i will never be able to let go. its not often that one is showered with love and affection that you are not able to let go… being there next to her, lying on her lap and slowly being put to sleep on a hot summer’s day. the nearby grounding mill churning endlessly … as the electricity going out intermittently being the only time when the silence of home would cajole me into sleep.

spending most of my birthdays around her and having her as my angel looking out for me, i am not able to pay enough respect to all that she has been to me and every time all she wanted was to have me next to her. as we would endlessly talk and do things together as she egged me on to try new things. she would keep pushing the boundaries of creativity just a little further away as i spent all those time coming up with ideas to please her with my supposed attempts to make art. patiently she would spend the evening getting me cleaned up and all dressed up

… i follow to date on certain days, just in anticipation of the days that are by gone, just so that i can get that feeling of being there back.. to be in her presence and live through every moment of it.

i stand where i am, as a result of the all the effort she put in… i stare out into the wide open spaces in search of the non existent and try to fill the gap that she left by.. i get reminded of the time, being in a distant land as she bid adieu to me and the people around her.. and all i did was try to be there and hopelessly lose control of the world around me .. a moment in life when the carpet was drawn from under me and i have been left all alone in a world where everything i see is a completely new … missing the warmth, the compassion, the feeling of togetherness … even though everything that i am now is still a product of all that was giving to me and the time dedicated on me .. her absence just about always masks those moments i spent in her presence … each passing moment, i find my place in this world and that is the moment i realise how my innocence and my ignorance have made me not appreciate the time i spent being with her.

each moment without her, reiterating the obvious.. one misses the person closest to us only when we are away or removed from their presence … and all this retrospective about the moments passed only results in reassuring the importance of the time spent under her guidance and now spent under her watchful eyes.

this pretty much ends up bringing to front the similarly greater magnitude of time that my mother has been a factor in my life, as she has handled me every step of the way and at the same time gone through life under the presence of her and gone through much more having spent a longer time with her than me, and yet still maintaining a composure that other than my mother i have seen this only on her.

this is to women who have, will play the roles on my journey and whom at no point will i let go of….